Senioritis
So is it just me or is every person’s senior year, particularly the last quarter or semester, a time of reduced effort and/or concentration? Some might call it laziness but I’d call it a case of senioritis. No matter how you name it, I think it’s a real problematic issue as it definitely is for me. I find myself in my last quarter struggling to find a strong sense of motivation to study, especially in the manner that I am used to…type A, anal retentive, perfectionist, etc. I also vaguely remember this occurring during my senior year in high school. Actually, I know it did because I went from being an honor roll student to getting my first D ever in my life and at least a couple of Cs too…although this may have something to do with the fact that my parents got divorced the summer of my senior year but that’s an entirely other issue…maybe a good subject for my next blog.
However, despite the senioritis that occurred during my senior year in high school, this time I can’t blame that lack of motivation on any thing or anyone other than myself. This latest time I’ve returned to college I’ve been highly motivated and have pushed myself to really do well and it’s paid off because I’ve maintained a 4.0 gpa every quarter since my return. Part of that motivation is that I wanted to raise my overall gpa and attempt to graduate with a 3.9 overall gpa so I could get the highest honors when I graduate but then I found out that I’d be graduating sooner than I thought (definitely a good thing) so that 3.9 gpa was out of my reach no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps even the 3.8 is out of my reach even if I got all A’s this quarter but I can’t screw up graduating with honors, a 3.5 overall gpa, as long as I pass all of my classes this quarter so my attitude about school is laissez faire (did I spell that right?). But I guess maybe that’s how it should be your last quarter of college.
Graduation
Well…it’s only taken me 10 years to do it but I’m finally going to finish my bachelor’s degree in December. The funny thing about it is that you’d think I’d be really happy about it. Don’t get me wrong…I am proud of myself and I am the first person in my family to get a bachelor’s degree but I don’t feel happy about it, which is weird because everyone assumes that I am and I feel like I should be excited, thrilled, overjoyed, etc. but I’m not. So why my ambivalent feelings about graduating?
I know the main reason is because I’m going to be trading school for work and frankly, I have major anxiety about that. I haven’t worked since I had my first child, which was 6 years ago, and I’m concerned not only about getting a job, especially in this economy, but also about my family since we are all used to a certain way of life and this will change dramatically once I begin working full time outside the home. I worry about how my 2 girls will adjust: who’ll be watching them and what they’ll be doing and the fact that I’ll be missing out on stuff that I can do now, like volunteer at my oldest daughter’s kindergarten class. I know my husband would like me to be able to continue to be at home too but living in Southern California we both need to be working if we’re ever going to move out of my mom’s house and live in a decent area.
Another reason why I’m probably not as happy as I should be about graduating is that I feel like it’s something I should’ve done a long time ago. From the time I started school, my parents expected me to excel in education and lucky for me I was able to meet or exceed their expectations in maintaining a certain gpa and being involved in extracurricular activities, at least until I graduated from high school. That’s when the disappointment started for my parents and education was put on the back burner for me. I got a full time job and only went to a community college part time…not what my parents wanted for me since they expected me to be a doctor or lawyer or something that required lots of higher education and lead me into a career that would ultimately allow me to make lots of money. And I suppose it didn’t help my education for me to elope with my husband, who only has a high school diploma, and then get pregnant within the first few months of our marriage and force my mom (since my parents are divorced) to take the additional responsibilities not only for her daughter but then a son-in-law and 2 grandkids. Education was the top prioirty for my parents for me and I guess I feel I let them down in not finishing my higher education earlier.
Obviously, family, in one way or another, is the reason for me not being happy about graduating but rather I see it as a necessity and something that should’ve be done a long time ago and is far overdue. I see my graduating as important and I feel relieved to have accomplished this but I’m not really happy because I’ve got many other things to do after graduation. For me, graduation is not the pinnacle in my life or achievements. Rather, it’s just another step in the stairway of my life.
